and another thing

In addition to my last post, which relied on pictures, I'd like to give you a sampling of what I've learned about the language of "Real Estate-ese", which seems to be similar to - but is in fact vastly different from - the English language.

REAL ESTATE-ESE:
"This property is calling out for new owners to utilize all the property has to offer."
ENGLISH:
Please hurry! Current redneck owners are destroying the house and outbuildings, shooting the local wildlife (including protected species), and cutting down the trees! Buy this house before there's nothing left!


REAL ESTATE-ESE:
"...privately situated at the end of a long winding drive..."
ENGLISH:
Public trail used by hikers, bicycles, and ATVs bisects both the property and driveway really close to the house, but other than that the driveway is long and private!

This next one has two interpretations! Behold:

REAL ESTATE-ESE:
"Parking type: Garage"
ENGLISH:
There's a shed. You can drive over the lawn and fit your Smart Car in there with many inches to spare!
OR...
ENGLISH:
Please park in the dilapidated barn located in a completely separate area of the property than the house is, if you can get the collapsing door opened. It's a short 1,000 foot stroll uphill through a hay field to the house from there! Make sure to bring friends to help you carry all your heavy groceries.


REAL ESTATE-ESE:
"A beautiful, large pond beside the house is home to pet ducks and many, many wild ones."
ENGLISH:
There is a pond. Near the pond there is one domestic duck.


REAL ESTATE-ESE:
"House is solid needing cosmetic repair..."
ENGLISH:
Ancient abandoned house with fire damage, water damage, leaking roof, and rotted-out porch and stairs at entry seeks gullible buyer. Outside door held closed with wire and a nail. All windows need immediate replacement.


REAL ESTATE-ESE:
"Expanded cottage retains some character..."
ENGLISH:
Half of the house is livable! The other half used to be a cottage and is un-insulated, rotting out, and falling down! Also, we were sure you'd like to install a woodstove when you moved in so we CUT A HOLE IN THE ROOF FOR YOU.


That's all I've got for this edition of "Real Estate-ese" tips and samples. I hope you will find them useful when you decide to purchase your next property!